Montag, April 6

lets talk about us

when my time comes around
lay me gently in the cold dark earth

I'm officially mentally stable, but on some days it doesn't really feel that way. I know that's normal, it's okay not to be okay some days. But then I think of you, of us, whatever there could have been and never will be. I don't think of you as often as I used to and knowing that makes me be aware of a dark place inside me. There is no apology to justify this, to justify that I'm getting along so well. God knows I miss you, but do you? Lately I've been so happy. I got a job and most likely a place in my dream college. Things are going well right now and still, I can't stop thinking how things would have went with you by my side. You aren't here though. Is it considered a sin that I keep moving on anyway? Am I not allowed to live a life on my own, without you? I know that I'm the only one blaming me for this, but maybe, just maybe, you're blaming me too. And I couldn't do this, you know, living, moving on and everything, if you'd blame me for it. But you wouldn't, would you? The person I knew wouldn't. It's still hard though, not knowing, only assuming. I really miss you and there are so many things that would be easier with you here, better really, but I was depending too much on you. For the time being there had only been you, no us even, just you. I can't recall who I've been back then, you were all that mattered and that's not healthy, at least it isn't now, now that you're gone. I really, truly miss you. And there's not one day going by that I do not love you, there'll never be a day I won't look up at the sky and think of the what-ifs and of how much I loved you, still do. You were my life and now you're only just a part of it, but that's okay I guess, because I'm doing this for the both us. I keep walking down this road for you and maybe, just maybe, I'll see you again at the end of it. I really do hope so.  

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