Samstag, Juni 13

moving on

It's weird. I can't seem to sort my thoughts with past, present and future starting to blur into one. It's actually kinda terrifying, the way the world kept rotating and people kept living on over the past years since he left. When he died I was nothing but a shell of myself; no love or happiness left. All that there was, was sadness and desperation, maybe even anger and it hurt, it 
hurt so bad I thought I'd die, hoped I'd die.
I'm alive now, living a life I still doubt I deserve. I worked so damn hard to achieve a place in this world, though I don't know it was worth it. My mind is a mess, the thoughts, the ones about pain and dying, are less than before, so much less, but they seem to still have their own tiny corner in the back of my head. And from time to time, they just crawl back to the surface
and make me question every choice I ever made.
But that is okay.

I saw people fall apart around me and others I watched die. I loved and cried, hated and lied. And everything just went down the drain. The person I loved the most, in a frightening and maybe even sickening way, died and something, if not everything, within me died with him.That was two years ago, more even, and I'm still here, still standing. I managed to get through
this and while I still find myself thinking back from time to time, it's okay. I'm okay.

There are days I wanna die, because I miss you so bad and there are days I walk through the streets smiling, because I know this is what you wanted from me; to move on. I may never truly
leave you behind, but then again I'd never attempt to. You are a part of me and I guess, I might as well try to live, for the both of us.

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