Mittwoch, Oktober 28

drop in the ocean

do not go gentle in that good night,
old age should burn and rave at close of day;
rage, rage against the dying of light.
dylan thomas

I see them dying, every night I lie awake, because the worst nightmares don't come while I'm asleep; they're right there when I'm wide awake at night, without any motivation to stop them. I deserve to see the people I love die, I deserve standing over their graves and I deserve having my future taken from me. I deserve the pain these images bring with them and maybe it is that illness, maybe it's just a form of self-punishment and yeah, maybe it's a bit of both. It doesn't matter. I'll keep seeing them die, be reminded that some actually died and stay awake crying the whole night. I do not deserve better, for all I know I am the one supposed to be dead. I should probably do something with what I got, with the chances I have and I will, just not tonight and not tomorrow, another time maybe. 

I miss my best friend.

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