Dienstag, Februar 9

grey

I feel grey, some times as in I'm too average and some times as if there is no black, no white in my life. Everything I am, everything I do lies somewhere in between, in the grey area without anything absolute. It's exhausting even though the normality of it is enough, but some times being enough is not enough. Some times I crave to be something more.
My grades have always been average, I didn't suck at anything, never really failed anything and yet I have no real talents either. But I guess that's the most acceptable grey area of my life. Now in college this being average, being too grey to be top of the class may ruin my career, but it may as well not, who knows. The problem is, it's like this in every aspect of my life, be it my friend circle or my love life. It's as if the core of who I am, is grey. I always only halfass things. There is no motivation to be good, to be white, but still the pressure to not be entirely black. And now I am grey, and I wish I wasn't. It's boring, it's average and it's exhausting.
One can't even call this grey a balance of black and white, no, it's the pure absence of either. And if nothing in your life is white, or black or anything really than what is there to be? All I see is grey and it is grey that makes me want to get up and leave for a place where everything is new and nobody knows that deep down I am just grey.

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