I've lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness.

It hurts. The pain spreads through my body like the poison through my veins. Both heading towards my heart or its leftover. I can't stand it. The urge to scream, to destroy, to cry, to die. The voices in my head, telling me it's way to late. I've waited long enough, didn't I? No. I have to wait longer. 

The sound of shattered glass falling down from the wall smashing into the ground pulled me back into reality. It took me some time to realise that it was me who threw the glass I just held in my hand against the wall. The third one this week. My mobile phone is barely alive because of this as well. I can't stand it. 

I kneel down, collecting all the broken fragments. Blood runs down my hands while the sharp ends are cutting the flesh of my fingers. It isn't deep and it doesn't hurt. It would, if I could feel anything right now. Slowly, carefully I straighten up, throwing the fragements into the bin. Blood drips down my fingers colouring the floor in deep red. I can't stand it.

I'm alone watching the stars in the night. My window opened letting in rain and cold wind that would have made me tremble, if I could feel anything right now. The thunder outside is relaxing, made me smile for a second, even so it was a fake one. I can't stand it.

This time the thunder wasn't the only sound barging through the silence of this summer night. There was an other sound, likely the one of the glass crashing into the wall. It wasn't a glass, it was my hand, my fist. Again. I've stopped counting and again; I punched against my wall. To numb to feel the pain caused by the wounds teared open again. The wounds caused by hiting the wall way to often were teared open by punching against the wall, again. I stopped. There was blood, again. It felt like a deja-vú, somehow. I can't stand it.

To numb to feel anything, I was standing in front of the window, starring into the night, again. Then I let go. It was my last day alone at home and I just collapsed, like the days before. The pain reached my brain, my knees gave in and I screamed, while meeting with the floor. For the first time I recognized the tears flowing down my skin. I screamed, again and again. I cried all the night. Screaming and shouting, punching and trembling. I couldn't stand it any longer. I finally broke down. For the first time I let it all out, but in the end.. It does not got any better. 

I still can't stand this world, my friends, my familie, humans, life, me. I can't stand all of this without you keeping me alive. Please.. I need you.

I can not stand this world without you.