melancholia

will you love me

or leave me forever?

Posting this text is the equivalent of screaming into a void as there is no one out there who is aware of this blog and my existence, it has been years and when I look back, I wish I had been right. I wish I could give you a happy end, show you strength and hope, but I am not okay, I did not recover and there is no happy end. 

My head is swarming with thoughts that aren't mine and those that are, and it's getting harder every day to see the difference. I am balancing between life and death and have been arrogant enough to think I would get away with it, but you cannot trick Death and so I lost my footing, again, and again. I don't want to be alive and I don't want to die either. I want to live, but I would rather be dead. I want to rip my skin to shreds, break all my bones and tear my heart to pieces. I want to physically destruct my body, but they cannot see. They think I am standing tall and strong, they think I am moving on, but I just got better at hiding. Switched the razor for pills, blame the starving on money and hide it all under a smile. I am drowning in grief and suffocating from the longing for you, so I flee inside my head, the scariest place I know and yet it is the only place on Earth where you are still there. I would do anything to be with you and I wish I had killed myself when I had the chance to.