mundane

I wonder why I have yet to be consumed by guilt when most days that is all I feel. It's probably because I am still fighting against it even so I know it was a lost battle from day one. I feel guilty for your death even so I was miles away and I never had the power to cure that illness, I feel guilty for his death as well even so I wasn't the one driving that car. I feel guilty for leaving friends behind and hurting my family with trying to commit suicide even so it's hardly my fault I'm mentally ill. I feel guilty for my failures, for not working harder, for always wanting more even so it's not my fault I was born human. I feel guilty for so many things even so it's hardly ever my fault. Yes, I do mistakes and I feel guilty for those too, but I was forgiven for those and I can start forgiving myself, but where do I even begin? It's like there are so many regrets, too many wrong turns and bad decisions, but that's just life and I'm not supposed to be consumed by a feeling that shouldn't be there in the first place. 

ghost stories

don't be scared,
I'm right here

I swear I'm right here

we'll be good, I promise

"Do you believe in soulmates?" I ask him as I look upon the city bathed in the light of tonight's moon. He doesn't answer, knows that I don't want him to, because I wouldn't hear him anyway. "I don't know if they exist, but I guess there's someone out there for all of us. Someone who just clicks with who you are, something like a perfect match you know, but not necessarily in a romantic way and if one wants to call that a soulmate then so be it. But isn't that a horrible concept?" I laugh to myself, silently, and shake my head. "It really is horrible, the way you discover a kind of passion, a kind of love, in yourself you never experienced before and while you try not to acknowledge it too much, it's a mortal love. It isn't timeless, because it all comes to an end one day and I guess that's okay, it's the price we have to pay. But then again, would you want to experience a love so strong it might rip you apart any moment, only to lose it again? Is that short period of utter love really worth all the pain that comes from losing it?" I have to suppress another laugh or he might think I turned mad along the way. Maybe I did, but he doesn't have to know that. "You know, when I met him and things started to click into place, I realized that it was too late to back out. It's weird, the way he made me feel, I don't think I ever loved someone as much as him and I doubt I ever will. He made me feel whole, like I had only been a half of something for my entire life without even realizing it, and more than that; he made me feel real. If that's what a soulmate is than I hope everyone finds his and I hope they appreciate it more than I did, because yes, I guess, it really is worth all the pain. You, for sure, were worth all this pain. Tell me, do you think we were soulmates?"

relapse

I decided to live, but I'm still dying, still rotting inside. Maybe it was too late, maybe that's it, maybe it was never my choice to make. I'm dying.

recovery

I love my new therapist. She's one of the most understandable people I know and she never pushes me too hard. We're currently talking about A. and she used a whole session to discuss how to approach this, told me that I can always tell her to back off and I'm allowed to have cigarette breaks or go for a walk if I need to, she assured me that it's okay to cry and she would leave if I do and ask her to. I'm so glad she told me all that since it's really important to me to do this right, well if it were about me we wouldn't approach this topic at all. Anyway, she's just

really nice and the way she talks to me and about me takes away my fear. I never thought I'd trust her more than my first therapist, but I'm happy I do.

hope returns

Have you looked into the mirror lately?

Your silhouette is grey,

your smile's turned hazy.

I spend my days as an official adult lazily lying in my friends lap and listening to her singing the song's she wrote about me, the alcohol makes her voice a little bit rough, the exhaustion makes her sing low like it's far far away. It's funny, everything is, because it isn't. The days pass by and I have fun, I laugh and see friends, get drunk and make new ones. Lately I started realizing that things might be okay, because there are people who love me and most of all I realized that there are people I do love, that I can still feel that, that it's not only sadness and

desperation, there's more than pain inside me and it's the best feeling I had in a very long time.